SO YOU THINK YOU KNOW DONALD TRUMP?

From my latest book, “The Wizards of Oz.” (out in 30 days on Amazon)

Hilary Clinton is Helen Stinson

Donald Trump is Danny Trapp

 

 

The Presidential debate.  Madison Square Garden, NYC

 

The event took place in a very appropriate venue: a building where some of the most important prize fights in history had been held.

The debate had been anticipated for weeks and the electricity in the building confirmed what everyone, the audience, the moderator and the principals expected: a heated, personal, contentious exchange.

“Ladies and gentlemen, I am your moderator for the evening, Tom Frye.  We will attempt to give equal time to the both Senator Helen Stinson and Mr. Daniel Trapp.”

After the formalities were out of the way, the first question was posed to Mr. Trapp.

“Why do you feel you would be a better president than Ms. Stinson?” Tom asked.

“Well, the woman can’t even satisfy her husband; how could she possibly satisfy the country?”

There were hoots and hollers, boos and applause from the mixed audience.

“And you, Ms. Stinson…why do you feel you’d be a better president than Mr. Trapp?”

“Are you serious?  Is that a trick question?”

“No, no it’s not.”

“Well, for starters, he inherited two hundred million dollars.  If he had left that money in a bank, he’d have more money than he has now.  He declared bankruptcy dozens of times, forcing his suppliers and investors, banks and tax payers to eat millions of dollars in loses.

“In 1988, Eastern Air Lines routes were about as profitable as selling Deloreans.  Danny boy’s cunning plan was to buy the company, then charged more for tickets.  He justified the increased fares with the sort of pointless bling typically reserved for silver-plated watermelons.  The Trapp Shuttles featured maple wood veneer floors, chrome seat belt latches, and gold-plated toilet fittings so that the passengers could know how it felt to value money as much as Trapp does.

“The purchase was financed by a three hundred and eighty million loan from twenty-two banks and not one of them ever saw a cent.  Trapp has knocked over more banks than the Joker, who at least leaves once he’s taken the money.  Trapp tends not to be satisfied with ruining banks, companies, lives and reputations.  After he defaulted on the loans the banks were forced to repossess the airline’s assets, which it turns out were worth approximately as much as the Hindenburg’s spare gas tank.  They couldn’t sell them, they couldn’t use them.

“Danny pushed the Mexican resort, Ocean Resort Baja, like the Lost City of Inca Gold.  The project collected thirty-two million dollars from investors, and then he promptly sent them a letter saying that loan negotiations had collapsed.  It also informed them that the buildings that were supposed to be built with the money didn’t exist, then closed by quoting the part of the contract that said the company was allowed to spend the deposits anyway.  Mission accomplished.  Trapp removed his name from the project the next month.  He then told interviewers that investors were ‘lucky because they’d have lost even more money if anything had been built.

“You could offer to buy everyone in the United States a drink and not owe as much money as he did.”

“I think we’re heard enough, Ms. Stinson,” Tom suggested.

“The fuck you have,” Helen fumed.  “This mealy mouth cocksucker has raped and pillaged his way to fame and fortune.  He a low life, bottom feeder, a blood sucking leech on the skin of humanity.”  In an entirely different voice; clam, empathetic, Helen began, “Now, if I may continue…Danny, here, burrowed six hundred and forty million from Deutsche Bank to finance the Chicago Trapp Tower and hotel.  He pulled it off by personally guaranteeing forty million, and ensuring that nobody who knew how little that meant talked to anyone at Deutsche Bank.  When they asked him to pay it back he instead sued them for three billion dollars.

“The bastard’s had nineteen failed businesses in seventeen years and many of his floundering companies were given debt relief on the specific grounds that Mr. A-hole no longer be in charge of them.  In 1991 the Taj Mahal hotel casino escaped bankruptcy when Mr. Orange Gair gave up fifty percent of his ownership.  In 1992 the Trapp Plaza Hotel filed Chapter eleven and was forgiven some of its debt when Danny-boy gave up forty-nine percent of his stock and was demoted to an unpaid chief executive, forbidden from being involved in the day to day running of the company.  That’s the corporate version of being told to go do your reading in the corner wearing a dunce cap, while the class gets on with math.

“He has no national or international experience.  He has no political or military or ambassadorial experience.  He is a social retard, a misogynist, a bigot, a fool, a thief, a liar and a fraud, and he can’t get it up without a full bottle of Viagra.  But other than that I’m sure he a good guy.”

Many in the audience applauded.  Some standing.

“Mr. Trapp, do you wish to respond to the accusations made by Ms. Stinson?”

“I stand on my record,” Danny insisted.

“Yes, but she just eviscerated your record.”

“Well, that is something I’ll have to consider sometime in the future.”

“The let me asked you a few additional questions, if I may,” Tom offered.  “You started a Real Estate University charging people just like Tony Robbins does in his scam…more money, special one-on-one classes.  People paid as much as ninety thousand dollars to learn your secrets.  Not one person out of the thousands who attend your seminars ever made a dime.  Many lost their life savings.  You lied about the teachers.  They weren’t even teachers, they were shill men.  You lied about what you promised, and you lied about your own successes.  Your response, please.”

“I only lent my name to the sca…the project.  I had no control over the operation,” Danny insisted.

“But all the profits went to you.”

“Well, I don’t know anything about that.”

“As Senator Stinson pointed out, you inherited two hundred million dollars from your father.  If you had put that money in a savings account at the time you’d have eight point seven billion dollars today.”

“I’d have to disagree with you, Tom.  My new worth today is ten billion dollars.”

Forbes places your wealth at four point six billion.”

“Lies.  I’ll sue!”

“It seems you are a serial suer, Mr. Trapp.”

“It’s legal.”

“Did you say the concept of global warming was created by and for the Chinese in order to make U.S. manufacturing non-competitive?”

“I don’t recall.”

“Did you say, regarding exporting goods to China: ‘Listen you m—–f——, we’re going to tax you twenty-five percent’?”

“Well, maybe.”

“Did you say Mexico sends its criminal, its rapists?”

“I assume some are good people.”

“Do you say that because you believe it or because you need the Latino vote?”

“Both.”

“Did you say, ‘Laziness is a trait in the blacks?  Black guys counting my money!  I hate it.’”

“I’d have to check my notes.”

“Did you say, ‘If you can’t get rich dealing with politicians, there’s something wrong with you’?”

“I’ll let you know after I’m elected.”

“Did you say, ‘One of the key problems today is that politics is such a disgrace. Good people don’t go into government’?  Considering the fact you are now a politician, have you changed your mind?”

“Technically I’m not a politician until I’m in office.”

“Did you imply that your Republican opponent, Sid Karuth’s father conspired with Lee heavy Oswald to kill J.F.K.?”

“That’s what I was told.”

“Told by who?”

“I can’t recall.”

“Did you say you would kill the families of suspected terrorists?”

“Yes, back three generations.  Just as Kim Il Sung did in North Korea.  Look how long it kept him in power.”

“Mr. Trapp, have you had to compromise your religious beliefs to run for elected office?”

“I have to confess that it’s crossed my mind that I could not be a Republican and a Christian.”

“You’re not a Christian or a Republican, Danny,” Helen insisted. You’re a hermaphrodite.”

“How dare you call me whatever it is you called me?”

“Flunked biology, I see,” Helen retorted.

“Hey, why aren’t you asking the bitch more questions?” Danny asked.

“Well, it’s just that you area much bigger target,” Tom replied.

“Are you referring to my numerous bankruptcies or my girth?”

“Yes.”

“I’ll sue!”

“Mr. Trapp,” Tom began, “What do you have to say to the young generation of kids growing up, going to college and seeking jobs that either do not exist or are beneath their education level.”

“We have a lot of kids who don’t know what works means.  They think work is a four-letter word,” Mr. Trapp replied.

“Work is a four letter work you moron,” Helen snapped.

“I knew that,” Donny insisted.  ”I was testing you.”

“What lessons did you learn from studying Mahatma Gandhi’s life,” the moderator asked Mr. Trapp.

“He ran a gas station in Staten Island,” Danny replied.

“You idiot, Mahatma Gandhi was a great leader of India in the 20th century.  A man of peace who stood for democracy,” Helen said.

“Ms. Stinson,” the moderator began, “Did you once say regarding the women who accused your husband of sexual advances, ‘Who is going to find out?  These women are trash.  Nobody’s going to believe them.’?”

“Well, I didn’t believe them,” Helen replied.

“Then you’re the only one who doesn’t, you slut,” Danny spat.

“Senator Stinson,” the moderator began, “did you once say, ‘We are going to take things away from you on behalf of the common good?’”

“I was referring solely to Mr. Trapp because I thought his net worth was ten billion dollars and he could afford it.  But then I learned his is a cheating, stealing, thieving dirt ball who lies every time he opens his mouth.  In fact, his net worth is three billion.  He uses that same thinking when talking about the size of his dick.”

“How would you know, Helen?  You’ve never even seen it,” Daniel insisted.

“No, Danny, I haven’t.  And nobody else has either…not without a microscope.”

“Mr. Tramp,” the moderator began.

“It’s Trapp.  T-R-A-P-P.”

“Yes, sorry.  You said that you would jail and fine women who had abortions.  Don’t you think that’s a little extreme?”

“Oh, no.  I wasn’t talking about all women; just the women who had sex with me.  I’m trying to spread my seed as far as possible.  I can’t have bimbos wasting one sperm cell.”

“Mr. Trapp, charts show that income inequality in the United States has increased exponentially in favor of the wealthiest Americans,” the moderator said.  “How do you respond, sir?”

“Poor people are poor because they’re stupid,” Danny replied.  “They make poor decisions.  No matter how much money you give them, they would lose it all in a heart beat.  Only the elite, like me, are capable of effectively fleecing America.”

“You mean funding, don’t you, Mr. Trapp?” Tom asked.

“That’s what I said.  Don’t put words in my mouth.”

“Ms. Stinson,” the moderator began.  “Do you still stick by your story that a mob of Iraqi men became incensed over the viewing of a video on you tube and attacked the embassy in Benghazi in response to that?”

“The fact is we had four dead Americans.  Was it because of a protest or was it because of guys out for a walk one night who decided that they’d they go kill some Americans?  What difference, at this point, does it make?”

A round of boos rose up form the audience.

Helen gave them the finger.

“Mr. Trapp, did you have your first wife sign a pre-nup?” the moderator asked.

“What I said was, I would never buy Ivana any decent jewels or pictures.  Why give the bimbo negotiable assets?”

“Some have called you a misogynist, and megalomaniac, and predator, a manipulator,” Tom said.  “How do you respond?”

“What I said was no a female reporter would have a job if she weren’t beautiful.”

“Did you say that sexual assault in the military is totally expected?”

“Well, Tom, all that testosterone has to go somewhere,” Danny replied.

“Senator Stinson, what words would you use to describe your opponent’s views and character?” the moderator asked.

“Well, Danny is a pedophile, anally fixated.  A retarded, banjo-playing, foot-dragging fag who wears a bra and panties under his street clothing to put on a false image for his investors while, inside, his female hormones are raging.  Further, he was castrated at the age of eleven and uses a dildo placed in his pants to make it look like he still has a penis,”

“And you, Mr. Trapp, who would you describe Senator Stinson’s views and character?” the moderator asked.

“Well, Helen is not a pretty woman.  It looks like her face caught fire and someone beat it out with an ax.  Her thighs were used in some of the scenes from the elephant man, and–.”

“I’m sorry, but we’re out of time,” Tom said.  “We’ll check with the candidates and see if we can schedule another debate before the election.  But thankfully, I will not be the moderator.”

 

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