WHAT’S REQUIRED TO BE CHIC AND ADMIRED IN AMERICA

First, you’ll want to get some creative tattoos.  Think outside the box here.  Something in colors depicting a spiritual ritual or sign of sophistication, maybe even a sign of the Illuminati or some Mason signs that indicates how mysterious you are.

Then, your car needs to be no older than 2 model years.

Don’t settle for the standard wheels and tires.  Go for the 20” rims and a top-of-the-line name-brand tire.

Make sure you attach your car keys to a large ring or carabineer so that when you set it down on a table it makes a lot of noise and others at surrounding tables see your keys are for a Mercedes, BMW, Lexus or Audi.

Of course a Rolex for your wrist and some not too ostentatious gold chains and rings for your wrist and neck.

Now you’re set to make the right impression when you go out for a hundred dollar dinner at a fine restaurant or a two hundred bottle of wine at the liquor store.

Now this part is very important, so pay close attention…

DO NOT get in a discussion with anyone who speaks about human rights issues or donating to causes or volunteering their time.

What you hear, you’re not going to like and it’s probably going to make you feel bad you just spent thousands on the items mentioned above.

Yes, it’s true that for the cost of a single tattoo ($150) you could feed a family 8 in Africa for a month.  Or that for a really fancy tattoo ($3000) you could clothe, provide electricity, water and food for a village of 80 for six months.

Sure, there are tens of thousands of men, women and children festering in relief camps, driven from their homes by Jihadists, women forced to provide sex to the guards in order to get food or water that’s supposed to be free.

Then there are the “silly rumors” coming out of Ethiopia where women are repeatedly raped, then during have nails, and rock and other items stuffed into their vaginas, and threatened with knives.

Who needs to hear that when you’re looking at a menu trying to decide whether to get the duck, or quail or prime rib?

Remember when surfing the web to NEVER Google charities.  They’re all scams….right?”

At least when you smoke some weed to relieve the stress of a hard day, you know you’re getting your monies worth.

Don’t forget to do your yoga and meditation.  These are things that take your mind off your problems that weigh you down.

Well, maybe not as much as people living in corrugated aluminum shacks with no running water or electricity or toilets while festering in 100 degree heat, but hey, everyone’s got their problems right?

And I’m sure the stories about villages getting their arms cut off because they won’t work as slaves in the diamond mines aren’t true.

Probably just rumors.

For those I’ve guilt-tripped, here is a list of charities.  You can START with these, then research others whose aims coincide with your now enlighten self.

Doctors without borders

African relief fund

Red Cross

UNICEF

Green Peace

Humane Society

Save the Children

Catholic relief services

Oxfam

Compassion International

Do yourself a favor, bring some real meaning into your life, not more materiality or immediate gratification.

 

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